my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
