When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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