I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I can't put those talents on a resume
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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