I wannas sexs uuuuu
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
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