so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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