The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
