is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
