Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
