My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
