I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
