Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
