god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
