i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
