She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
