Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
