i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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