we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
