I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
