Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
