Man, jail baloney is awful.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
