I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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