I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
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