Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
