my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
