It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
