Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Randomize
