I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
