Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
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