she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
