That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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