There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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