I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
