i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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