I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
