Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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