I heard we made out
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
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