I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
