he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Randomize
