Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
