Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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