the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
You're completely useless in the revolution.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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