Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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