I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
