ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
