i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
