I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
