Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
