I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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