I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize