I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
