I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
