I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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