So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
