i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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