It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
