He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
And then he peed in my hair
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